Pulling Back..and a cute picture

So, generally I am an open book.  I do well when I can talk things out (write things out).  Greg is more of a private person.  Probably most of you read the last 3 posts regarding adoption.  Today I decided to make them private, and not visible on the blog.  First, I want to say that we have appreciated everyone's support and encouragement.  We are open to talking to you individually.  However, I have felt the need to pull back - very uncharacteristic of me.  I think that it is because I don't know how to feel.  I don't know what to think. 
As I said before, we are still processing.  I need to process privately, just for now.  I'll tell you where I am, and then perhaps you can just pray that God would calm my spirit and continue to give us wisdom.

I am angry.  I am sad.  I am frustrated.  I am angry that there are millions of orphans...waiting for hope, waiting for change.  I am sad for them. I am frustrated that adoption is so difficult.  I am frustrated when I think of the fight that we had in Russia to get our boys home.  I mean we had to FIGHT!  I guess I am sad about that too.  I am frustrated that adoption is so expensive, and that people who want to adopt have to worry about how they will pay for it.  This is where the body of Christ needs to step up - local church leaders must step up.  Help get these kids home to families in their churches who are willing to give their lives to them.  I am angry, sad and frustrated when I look at the pictures of waiting children.  Yes, I look at waiting children often, because I want to see their faces.  I want to pray for them.  And I weep for them, as I have wept for those 3 boys.  No, we cannot adopt them all (I KNOW THAT!), but I can pray...cry out to our Abba Father for them.  I will not stop hurting for them.  I am frustrated that with 5 million orphans in Ethiopia...5 million children with no one..., a referral has taken almost 17 months.  I see their faces....

My friends, someday God will make all things new.  He will wipe away all tears; He will heal all hurts for those who love Him.  In the meantime, there is suffering in our world.  Our precious, littlest brothers and sisters are suffering.  Why couldn't we make a decision about those 3 boys without feeling pain?  Because we know their pain.  We saw it in our boy's faces.  And we know of the pain of the children in Ethiopia.  How do you choose whose pain to relieve?  How do you choose who you will make your own?  How do we look at the faces of waiting children and continue to wait as well?  We can only ask God to continue leading us down the path He wants us to be on.  We can only trust Him to lead our children home.  But it hurts, and you know, it should hurt!  Amidst the hurt, though, there is joy.  Perhaps you have not seen it in my posts, but I do have joy knowing that my Father is sovereign.  His ways are perfect.  He is moving His people to act on behalf of children.  I must trust Him alone. 

So, this is where I am right now.  There are things that God has revealed to me that I must work on in my heart and mind.  I am grateful for that, as difficult as it is to make changes. 

Anyway, I wanted to post a cute picture of my beautiful boys.  I am so, so thankful for the precious gifts that God has given to me in them.