So Sentimental...(and pictures)

Yes, that would describe me.  I can't look at pictures of my kids without feeling just a touch of sadness that they are growing.  Oh, don't get me wrong; I'm glad that they are growing, getting big, strong and mature.  But...there's a piece of me that misses Josiah saying, "Tar" instead of "Car" and "Tow" instead of "Cow".  I miss Jachin's wide-eyed excitement over his first roller coaster ride.  I miss Havyn toppling over as she takes her first steps.  And someday I'll look back on the pictures from this past weekend and wish I could have more of that.  Maybe it's just me...I'm so sentimental about my kids.

I tell Jachin, Josiah and Havyn every day, several times a day, that I love them and that they are precious to me.  Oh my are they precious to me!!!  There is nothing that I would rather do than spend my days with them, loving them, teaching them and showing them that Jesus loves them. 

I have been reading a book called The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis.   I have to admit that the first part of the book was really difficult for me to read.  First of all, Dr. Purvis talked about what orphans endure.  After chapter 1 & 2, I put the book down and called my friend, Stephanie (who just adopted two girls from the Ukraine).  I cried and poured out the sadness that was in my heart as I thought about what my kids have had to endure.  (I love Stephanie...she gets my sadness.  She feels it too.)   Knowing what I know about my children's first years of their lives will always pain me.

Secondly, I thought about things that I wish I had done differently as a parent.  There are things that I just didn't know.  I wish I had read this book before we adopted Jachin & Josiah.  I have asked God to release me from the guilt of mistakes that I feel that I made with them.  Of course, I know that I didn't make any mistakes that other parents don't make. We have and always will love them fiercely.  But....I wish I had been more patient at times.  I wish I had understood more about what they could and could not process.  (Sadly, since I am an imperfect person, I will continue to make mistakes...I just wish it was not the case)

But then there was today's reading.  Today I put the book down feeling encouraged.  I have been doing things that she suggested....completely out of ignorance, but it felt good knowing that I haven't done everything wrong (ha ha).  I think that in a way God was answering my prayer.  He does not want me to be weighed down with guilt.  In Him, we are free from guilt.  I think that God prompted me to read today to encourage me.  Jachin & Josiah are great boys.  They know that they are loved.  They know that I would give my life for theirs, and they know that Jesus did give His life for them. 

(Disclaimer: I think I need to mention (for the sake of those who do not know us personally) that we have never nor would ever harm our children.  The mistakes that I speak of are really those of which I am sure most parents struggle with...but maybe b/c of my personality and/or b/c of the knowledge of what my children suffered, I am saddened by my imperfections as a parent.  Hope that makes sense.  Surely I am not the only parent that looks back at times (especially after reading a parenting book, more specifically, an adoptive parenting book, and wishes that they had handled some situations differently...?)

Here are some pictures from this past weekend.  (The first one is of the boys after they came home in 2007.  It was their first time in a swimming pool.)

Two years old.  First time in a pool.  They have always loved water. 

Five years later and they still LOVE water!

Havyn's first time in a pool.  Her brothers wanted to show her how to
have fun. 

Who could resist that smile!  She is so precious!

The park is so much more fun with Daddy!

I can still hear him laughing.  Love it!

My little girl...always digging through my diaper bag and purses.
(usually pulling everything out)

Jachin & Josiah posed for about 10 pictures.  Little Miss refused to smile (she was hot and tired), but
 she sure didn't refuse to make a fuss.  Oh well, even her fussy face is cute!  :)