Just My Feelings about the Wait

"This journey of adoption is going to be difficult…physically, emotionally, spiritually….However, the journey is going to be worth it….the Gospel is worth the journey ahead!"

I read that in a blog today, and those simple words spoke to my heart and made me feel like someone else out there gets how I'm feeling.  I've said before that adoption is sometimes (many times) a lonely road.  It is a frustrating test of patience.  Even when you finally have your children home, many people don't get the challenges that you face.  They don't get the challenges that our children, who were adopted, face. 

Lately, I have had such longing in my heart to see my children's faces, to hold them and to get them home.  Every time the phone rings I wonder if this is "the call".  But it never is....  As each day ends, I have an overwhelming sense of disappointment.  Then discouragement sets in, and I am once again bringing my heart before the feet of Jesus.  I remind myself that life is going to be harder when two more are home, so enjoy the "peace" now.  I am thankful that today is not the day that I have to leave Jachin & Josiah to travel somewhere so, so far from them.  I am thankful for the times that I can just get up and go with J & J to wherever we decide to go that day.  And yet....And Yet, the longing gets stronger.  I have even entertained doubts, and thought that perhaps God only wants us to have our two boys.  I could be happy with just two, couldn't I be?  We could go to Disney World, and maybe go somewhere other than McDonald's to eat.  We could add onto our house, and redo our kitchen and maybe even get an inground pool for them (ok, the last one was over the top :)

But then what do I do with this feeling that we have more children out there; that there are little ones missing at our dinner table?  What do I do with the knowledge that we can do more?  They say that an adopted child grows in their mother's heart, not her tummy.  My heart is ready to give birth.  I cannot hold these children in there much longer.  However, God is telling us to wait. 

There are times that I find myself fighting to remain joyful.  During those times I remind myself of times in the past when we had to wait on God, and He was faithful in the wait.  I remind myself that God knows their faces.  I remind myself of the miracles that He has performed in our lives.  I remind myself that He loves our children, and He has gone before us to prepare the way. 

Greg's Dad often told us to never go ahead of God.  When the wait is tough, we are often tempted to take matters into our own hands and figure out some way to get things done ourselves.  I am tempted.  But right now I am to wait.  So I wait only on the One that I know deserves all my praise.  I wait only on Him who is able to do the impossible.