My Heart is Steadfast

^" My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast!
I will sing and make melody!
  Awake, my glory!
Awake,O harp and lyre!
I will awake the dawn!
 I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing praises to you among the nations.
 For your steadfast love is great to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the clouds.

 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
Let your glory be over all the earth

Psalm 57:7-11

I'm going to reveal two big regrets that I have from college.  They both involve travel...travel that I never did.  The college that I attended had a program that would allow a student to study in Israel for a semester.  I REALLY wanted to do this.  I talked to the financial aid director, and he felt that it was feasable for me (though it would mean an extra school loan).  I looked over the information, and I decided to do it.  I never went.  I was afraid, afraid to travel and be in a foreign country.  Then I had an opportunity to go on a missions trip to Mexico over spring break one year.  I went to all the meetings.  I commited to go (verbally).  I never went.  I was afraid to ask for money, and I was afraid to travel.

I believe that God is sovereign over all things, including those times that I allowed my fears to overtake me.  But I have to admit that those same fears are still present.  I have a fear of asking for help and a very real fear of traveling (especially flying).  When we were adopting Jachin & Josiah, my biggest fear by far was flying on a plane and being in a foreign country.  We had to make 3 trips, and we had a very difficult time in country.  But God wanted my heart to be steadfast in Him.  He wanted me to sing praises to Him among the nations.  And He still does....

Several nights this past week I found myself wide awake and being overtaken with fear of travel once again.  Now I've added the fear of dying and leaving my children alone, without their mom and dad.  That fear is the strongest.  And yet, God is still calling me to be steadfast in Him.  To walk on the water towards Him.  When we started the adoption process for Ethiopia, there was only a one trip requirement, and I wasn't going to go on the trip.  Greg was going to travel, and I was going to stay with the boys.  I was very content with that plan.  Now I am traveling twice, once with Greg and once without him.  The truth is, I want to go to Ethiopia.  I want to be with the people there.  I want to see the country where my daughter was born.  I want to hold her, calm her fears, care for her and bring her home.  I want to sing His praises to the nations.  I recognize that this fear is not from my Lord.  So, I fight it the only way that I know how, with His Word and with prayer for courage and trust in Him....no matter what.

"My heart is steadfast, O God.  My heart is steadfast.  I will sing and make melody.  I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to you among the nations."